“Don’t leave me with her. What if her car breaks down, she’s a killer, or she brushes her teeth with mayonnaise?”

“She always looks like she’s about to break into laughter. He always looks like he’s about to break into her house. I don’t care what he takes, so long as it’s me who steals her heart. I’ve already got a buyer lined up in Russia.”

“She tried to steal the desert. She’s guilty. Look no farther than her camel toe.”

“She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis.
 She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.”

“Her car is being repaired, so I offered to give her a lift to work tomorrow. I hope she likes piggyback rides.”

“I broke down when we broke up, but I didn’t break in to her house just to break out of my routine.”

“Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket. But the best part was that her boots almost matched her jacket. I think she’s on to something. Why let the fact that you’re 65-years-old interfere with your ability to dress like a colorblind fourteen-year-old?”