“Don’t make me weight, as I’m skinny on time.”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”

“I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a treadmill. Walk on me and leave me in a guest room.”

“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.”

“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.”

“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.”

“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy. 
”