“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”

“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”

“I am not the monster you think I am. No, I am an entirely different monster. I'm sort of like a mixture between Bigfoot and a shaved beaver.”