“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.”

“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.”

“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.
”

“I don’t believe it’s morally wrong to steal from a thief.”

“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.”

“I want to steal 100 years. If I get caught, it’ll be the trial of the century.”