“Don’t talk while you’re talking. It interrupts me.”

“I don’t have any money to speak of. And if I did, what’s there to say? They say money talks, but it doesn’t talk to me. Money won’t even look at me half the time.”

“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“If your nipples were on your eyelids, then and only then would I give you eye contact while you are talking to me.”

“People talk of the “whispering wind.” But what are these secrets of the breeze? I don’t know, but I don't want a gossip to stand downwind of me.”

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the talking). The day he does respond to me will probably be the best day of my life, because it means my walls are finally padded.”