“Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.”

“I have no auditory depth perception. She said, “I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away.”

“The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.”

“I always say “I couldn’t agree more,” even if I wholeheartedly disagree, because whether I completely agree or completely disagree, I couldn’t agree more.”

“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.”

“I have slightly less than 60 miles to go, and I’m going slightly faster than 60 miles per hour. I should arrive in a bad mood.”

“I can do what Olympians couldn’t do. Of course they couldn’t do it because they were infants when I picked a moment in time to compare myself to them.”