“Drive, guy. That green light isn’t going to get a deeper green. It’ll only ripen and turn yellow.”

“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.”

“I don’t have a blue-collar job. It’s more of a green collar, because of all the yellow sweat stains mixing in.”

“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.”

“Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy.”

“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the earth, and there’s a 50% chance there is, then somebody is going to get left out. And that somebody isn’t going to be me, even if I have to kill that one guy to make the world balanced.”

“I’ll only blow my nose into green handkerchiefs. Why? Because all my brown hankies are reserved for wiping my ass.”