“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.”

“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.”

“You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?
”

“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”