“Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off.
”

“Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful.”

“I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it isn’t right and it pisses me off. I was backstabbed by myself.
”

“There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.”

“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.”

“A banana is not a pistol. Still, please don’t point one at me.”

“My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.”