“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.”

“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me more of an advance notice, say another 30 years.”

“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.”

“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches out.”

“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start a fight during that song.”