“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used to think that, before unemployment turned every day into a Saturday.”

“The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.”

“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are unemployed.”

“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give it to someone who will. Every other Christmas I get the gift of fruitcake—and I think it’s the same loaf that I gave to that person the year before.
”

“I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.”

“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.”

“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”