“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.”

“My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.”

“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.”

“I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them there?”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after he leaves for work every morning.”

“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!”