“Everyone owns a piece of democracy. Actually, I own two pieces, and each one has a nipple.”

“I am submitting two pieces to be excluded in your show. Thank you for your inconsideration.”

“A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.”

“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts. Makes me feel like a piece of meat—medium rare, with melted cheese on top.”

“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.”

“I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”

“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”