“Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!”

“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with the same person. 
”

“The earliest I’ve ever been late is on time.”

“I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.”

“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.”

“You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.”

“I asked my doctor for the best gift ever: Life. Still, he wouldn’t take one for me.”