“Experience is the best teacher I've ever had. I'm sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it's true.”

“I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.”

“I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.”

“There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late.”

“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.”

“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.”

“The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.”