“Falling in love should be natural, like the food at Moe’s. Baby, I am so hungry for you, even though I know queso costs extra.”

“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.”

“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.”

“I’m like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest approximation I have to a description of love. I would offer you something to drink, but I’m not in the kitchen, even though it may sound like I am.”

“I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.”

“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.”

“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.”