“Falling in love too quickly spells disaster. But I’ve always lived dangerously, and I spell disaster with a Z.”

“Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.”

“He’s not my son, but his last name is Myson. Same spelling, big difference.”

“I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.”

“When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those too. August 15, 2004.”

“I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.”

“If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.”