“Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and very soon your spirits will rise, just like your posture. It works. My spirit just rose, and left me cold and alone in this terrestrial body.”

“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.”

“With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.”

“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.”

“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

“Time flows like a canoe floats, and my love would fit in your purse if you’d just empty your money into my wallet.”

“A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.
”