“For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a cat guy. Every night as I go to sleep, I have this particular fantasy I indulge in. Most men dream about naked women, but not me. I dream about being isolated in a mountainous forest in the middle of winter, and all I have to stay warm is a single blanket and a cat. In my mind I curl up like a ball with Cap’n tucked in close as we keep each other warm despite the fierce winds raging like a bull around us. Then, after about five minutes of this, we are rescued by a helicopter full of nude models.”

“My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.”

“I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool out of my eyes.
”

“Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat hair—love, I mean.”

“I like wearing earmuffs. They keep my balls warm.”

“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.”

“I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all my sobbing, I ended up waking it up.”