“For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.”

“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better lover—and I made it out of clay.”

“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the spring, when all the lovers will flock to see me preform live for the chance to win their affection.”

“I’m a big cat lover, so I thought it’d be cool to join the Black Panther party. But can you believe it, those fucking honkies wouldn’t let me in.”

“He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.”

“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.”

“Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.”