“For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.”

“There’s too much nudity on TV, and not enough on the radio.”

“I don’t just watch TV all day long. I also listen.”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!”

“You can’t believe every word you read while watching TV. (Even with closed captioning turned off).”

“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the sofa watching TV.”

“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.”