“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.”

“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”

“In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled with secrets.”

“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.”

“You can smuggle anything into an event inside empty pizza boxes. Carrying pizza boxes transforms anyone into Moses. There can be a crowd of 20,000 people, and if you have a few pizza boxes, the crowd parts like the red sea. Hey, that guy’s got pizza. Let him pass. Make way for importance!”

“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

“The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it.”