“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to her family. As it is, I only need to cut her up into four pieces, and serve her to the pigs.”

“I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it isn’t right and it pisses me off. I was backstabbed by myself.
”

“I asked if I could draw on her face, because not only was her head globe-shaped, but her nose was shaped like Italy. My love knows no boundaries.”

“I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.”

“She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.”

“A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.”

“A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.
”