“Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.”

“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So I did it. Then I ate it. I’m not proud of the last part, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.”

“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.”

“If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.”

“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”

“Johnny Kickstand bullied me in middle school. Today, Kickstand stands 4’7” tall. Well, he would stand that tall if he weren’t in a wheelchair. So he’s a cripple and a midget, but he still whooped my ass last Tuesday. Bastard.”