“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d be a molestache.”

“If I bottled ginger ale, it’d be made from the finest red hair available.”

“People call me “Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink and a kiss combined. It’s like lust overload.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.”

“If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.”

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.”