“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.”

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”

“My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.”

“I belong, and my penis, it be long.”

“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.”

“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I always run from my fears.”