“Have I ever been in love? Have your ears ever itched from inside your urethra?”

“Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.”

“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a word I’m not saying.”

“If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.”

“Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.”

“If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.”

“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”