“Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not with this book. Well, except for the mystical bit. This book is guaranteed to cost you, or your money back. If there is ever a book that deserves to be burned, this is it. And while you are lighting a fire, why don't you also set your imagination ablaze? You can start by taking a gasoline shower and sprinting naked through Flint, Michigan. Or Phoenix. After all, the only way you'll ever be able to reach your true potential is with a stepladder and a stretch.”

“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)”

“You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.”

“Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.”

“As a way for both of us to make money, I’ll hold you hostage, while at the same time, you’ll be holding me hostage,” I said to Orafoura.
“Won’t the ransom money you pay to me cancel out the money I’ll pay to you?” Orafoura said. 
“Not if I shoot you first. Then I’ll have all the ransom money!”

“You can believe history books when they tell you when wars were fought. You just can’t trust them as to why.”

“The coolest way to be cool is to be yourself, because nobody can be you but you. Well, aside from your clone.
”