“Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!”

“If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need the very thing you won’t give me. So if you give it to me, I won’t need it, and if you don’t give it to me, your actions end up causing me to need it.”

“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.”

“Between was and is you’ll find me—but most of the time you’ll only find me in pictures.”

“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the bodies.”

“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are there—you just have to find them and rearrange the order until you’ve arrived at something romantic, and then you’ll have discovered what I wrote.”

“Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to find myself.”