“Here’s a list of three character qualities women should look for in a guy, in descending order: Looks like me, thinks like me, is me.”

“Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks? The plastic surgeon’s office, that’s where.”

“If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.”

“Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down, they're simply 50 through 150. Another list of mine is 100 people to meet before I die who look exactly like me, thanks to the miracle of cloning.”

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love men like me, like my clones.”

“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.”

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.”