“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.”

“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.”

“In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up.
”

“It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed.”

“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used to think that, before unemployment turned every day into a Saturday.”

“I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.”

“Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.”