“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.”

“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father's pillowcase.”

“How many supermodels can you fit in a toothpick canister? I don’t know, but I prefer floss.”

“I always wear size 14 boat shoes that are so old they could have been built by Noah.”

“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”

“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.”

“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”