“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father's pillowcase.”

“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.”

“For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?”

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

“A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a brick stuffed at the bottom of my pillowcase.
”

“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.”

“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.”