“How many midgets does it take to take over the world? I’m not sure, but I’d guess twice as many.”

“How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.”

“1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.”

“Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.”

“I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.”

“I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off your pants and wash up.”

“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to graduate.”