“I also should have come up with a product description.”

“Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work, but two different paths. Who knows, I might find love on one path. Probably the path I don’t choose. 
”

“The best salespeople are not salespeople, they’re people who’ve not only bought the product, but also bought into the idea of the company and the brand.”

“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
”

“Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom. Damnit, I guess they can roam freely about the house.”

“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.”