“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”

“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.”

“I sell Ziploc bags. They’re not empty—they’re full of hope.”

“He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.”

“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

“Love is like a banana, and I keep it in my pocket on cold days to warm up my hand.”

“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one.
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