“I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.”

“Giving up giving up—it’s good for your health. Make love like you just stole it. And remember, always wash your hands after you after.”

“Sit in a small chair. It’s easier to have people to look up to this way.”

“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.”

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.”

“After I go to the bathroom, I leave my hands wet as proof I washed them.”

“I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.”