“I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.”

“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”

“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy boob.”

“The closer I get, the faster I have to go. Otherwise, I might be late to the very place where I’m not even expected. Adding to my tardiness is the fact that I don’t even know where I’m going. And I can’t get from here to there when I don’t even know where I am, let alone where I’m going. All I know is I’m going fast, but not fast enough.”

“I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”

“I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.”