“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're probably thinking, "I don't remember seeing you," or "I've never seen you." And that just goes to show you how good I am.”

“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.”

“It occurs to me to devise mental tests on myself to see if I am who I think I am, but then I think, “I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no matter how I answer I’ll answer like myself, thus falsely proving to myself that I am who I think I am.” No, what I need is for my clone to create and administer the test.”

“According to me I have hypochondria. So if I say I suffer from a condition where a person thinks they suffer from everything, it’s a giant loop! Nobody can say I don’t suffer from it because just by saying I suffer from it I am showing the symptoms of suffering from it.”

“I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.”

“I am submitting two pieces to be excluded in your show. Thank you for your inconsideration.”

“When I see a rainbow, I think of God’s promise and how He’s keeping it. Then I remember the promise I made to Roy G. Biv, and how I just broke it.”