“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.”

“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.
”

“I like to spoon after I fork.”

“I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s like showing up to a math test with an abacus, knowing that the teacher is going to be handing out calculators.”

“Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?”

“Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.”

“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.”