“I am upset. I have reservations about dinner for two at 8:00. I have reservations about my reservations.”

“It’s not yummy gum if there’s no bubble. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”

“I’ll only blow my nose into green handkerchiefs. Why? Because all my brown hankies are reserved for wiping my ass.”

“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.”

“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was absent.”

“I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I wanted a life so good even Scarface would want to scarf it up.”

“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for success to come to you. Sometimes you just have to create it out of nothingness. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”