“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.”

“Today I am doing better than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope to be doing better than I am today. And two days from now? Well, that’s a Monday, so I’ll be feeling shitty.”

“I am a contraction. I am I’m.”

“The question is not where am I, but who am I? Where I am: Inside the body of my clone.”

“I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I wanted a life so good even Scarface would want to scarf it up.”

“Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a cat.”

“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of cowardice.”