“I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.”

“I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.”

“I’m on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I’m driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour. Oh, if only love were so easy to calculate.”

“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

“I stabbed the intruder with a knife. How else was I supposed to cut him into bite-sized pieces?”

“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.”

“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground on all fours in my chair pose so that then there were three chairs and three of us—with one extra seat to spare. I make love the same way—with more orgasms than people involved.”