“I bought two items to get a third free, and then I returned the two. I should be Shopper of the Year”

“To most people, if you’re muttering, you might as well be speaking a foreign language. I should know, because in college I took two years of muttering.”

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.”

“No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)”

“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.”