“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.”

“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup. It’s fresh, as I just made it after reading the latest political news.”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”

“If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball. But what are you doing? You should be running toward love, not away from it.”

“Dipping my sticky glove into the bowl, I grabbed a handful of fingers. That’s five, if you’re counting.”