“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.”

“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!”

“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.”

“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.”

“My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.”

“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.”

“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I broke up with to be with my wife.”