“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?”

“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the freezer. Because if I did that, then where would I keep my underwear?”

“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they can get inside them too.”

“If I shake your hand, will I get my fingerprints all over your fingertips? I hope not. Otherwise the crime scene, and the shaft of my penis, is riddled with my fingerprints.”

“Tanks are so big and expensive they should be Buy One Get One Free. If they were, I’d buy 60 of them (I’d save up my allowance money).”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.”

“After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.”