“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden to you and why you don’t want to keep it in your heart.”

“A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t need it.
”

“I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.”

“I keep butter in my underwear, because it’s like a meat locker down there. Can I interest you in two rolls of bread?”

“I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.”

“It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.”

“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet is tube shaped. Can you guess where I keep it?”