“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.”

“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was really uncomfortable floating on that lake with my thumb up my ass.”

“I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve. I’ll tell him that while other kids wanted to be cops or firemen when they grew up, I wanted to be Florence Nightingale.”

“I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.”

“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?”

“A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.
”

“Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.”