“I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time. 
”

“I won’t pick up your bad habits. They look heavy and I’ve got a bad back. Plus, I have my own bad habits already.”

“I’ve got a life. I spend all my time dreaming of a new life.”

“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.”

“When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.”

“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.”

“I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest on money you lent out.”